so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
