Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
