My hand turned me down
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We don't watch enough power rangers
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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