Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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