Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
