wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
