she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
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Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
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He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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