so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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