I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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