watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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