It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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