Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
