my phone needs a breathalizer
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
