I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
