I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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