Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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