Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I fill condoms, not promises.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
