Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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