I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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