I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
