If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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