I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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