Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
