Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
