just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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