SEEEEXXX PLEASE
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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