Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
