My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
