Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
