So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
