Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
