We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I can't put those talents on a resume
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
