for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
