When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Every concussion has its silver lining
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
