Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
