I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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