guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
