you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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