she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
