i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
