my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
