Me too!
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
