I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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