I woke up to her vacumming the grass
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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