Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I did not marry a roomba.
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