the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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