My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I am midnight drunk by noon
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
