she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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