wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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