Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
