Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
That was before I lit my hair on fire
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
