They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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