Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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