conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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