You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
