her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He passed out mid-signature
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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