I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
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