So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
