she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
