You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
