My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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